What does this have to do with chiropractic? Everything, I guess, because chiropractors are the most prolific "inventors" and self-promoters in the world. Hardly a chiropractic magazine can be picked up without some fellow describing some incredible new adjusting concept he has named after himself -- one that is so right that it makes all other forms of adjusting merely forms of quackery. While there are dichotomous factions in medicine, I've yet to see ads extolling one surgical technique over another in any medical publication.
In our childish ego trips, we have this penchant to go around screaming to be heard and garner as much recognition as possible. One of my favorites is an ad for a "cure" of a disease that you can have if you just pay this chiropractic "inventor" enough money. What a wonderful humanitarian. If he really was on to something, he should have offered it up for valid research. Unfortunately, our inventors think all they have to do is think of something that makes sense to them, give it a name (preferably theirs), write some articles on how wonderful their idea is, and most importantly buy some ads so they can make money with it. Before you know it a cult is formed, complete with manuals, seminars, and videotapes. It doesn't take much to become a self-proclaimed genius.
Not long ago I read an article that was just too much to bear. The article dripped with self-esteem, as he went on about his genius, and in the process named tests after himself. It was just too much so I began to fantasize about going to this characters office for an interview.
Dr. Ernest G. Osborne: Welcome to my office. I'm only too glad to give out interviews on the incredible study I've made.
RHT: Yes, of course. Just how did you discover your new technique?
EGO: It all began some 50 years ago on a small farm in the Middle West. My parents were poor farmers during the great depression. But that never stopped them. They were determined that they were going to grab the elusive brass ring of life and give it to their only child.
RHT: But what ...
EGO: That bass ring brought the chance to get a good schooling. I was as determined as they to improve the latent powers within me. Well do I remember trudging over the fields for miles to get to school. Many was ...
RHT: But ...
EGO: ... the night I would sit up and study until my dad called me for chores. All the work paid off and soon after I graduated from high school I went to liberal arts college where I graduated with honors.
RHT: Wonderful.
EGO: But that wasn't enough. Inside me burned this unquenchable desire to serve humanity. I thrashed around trying to decide how best I could satisfy these desires. How I, from my humble beginnings on that little farm ...
RHT: Now ...
EGO: ... in the Middle West might grasp that American dream and forge it into something that would make a lasting contribution to humanity.
RHT: How did you develop this new technique of yours?
EGO: Then it came to me. Chiropractic was the answer. This was the way I would serve humanity. While the education was satisfactory -- it lacked something. Soon I realized that I was smarter than those teaching me. In spite of that I finished and got my license. Always, however, was that gnawing feeling that there was a better way to find subluxations. Then I discovered EGOations.
RHT: Egoations?
EGO: Yes. You may say that EGOations are a cross between subluxations, fixations, and lesions.
RHT: Hmm. How do you find them?
EGO: With the EGO test. This is done by placing the little finger of the left hand over the right nostril. Breathing in and holding the breath while the doctor palpates with his right -- well, you'll have to buy one of my books. Or maybe one of my videos. That will be $290 for the tape and $110 for the book. If you get both we have a special price of $350 plus a picture of my hands.
RHT: Gee that's great, but I just wanted a story. Now I still don't know how you discovered this technique of yours and just what an EGOation is.
EGO: Of course. It was a dull gray day. The branches of the leafless trees seemed to etch black cobwebs of wood against the ...
RHT: Listen. Could you cut to the chase. I'm in a hurry.
EGO: Well, I discovered that the causes for all pain are osteophytes. I found that out after I developed the triple helix/double inversion concept.
RHG: Wait a minute. Are you saying that there aren't any such things as fixations, disc protrusions or herniations? Just bony spurs?
EGO: That's right.
RHT: Can you prove that on x-rays?
EGO: That's not necessary. All that has to be done is palpate for the EGOations using ...
RHT: What research have you done?
EGO: Oh lets.
RHT: Like what?
EGO: Did I tell you how I discovered EGOations? It was a dark gray day ...
RHT: You're just a greedy, conceited jerk. With no proof of the validity of your claims.
EGO: Oh yeah? Well sticks and stones will ... and what about you will all the RHT stuff.
RHT: That's just the name we put on my editorials because we didn't know what I was going to write about. In other words, I just take the credit or blame for what my initials might be on, but I certainly know my academic and clinical limits. I wouldn't think of trying to push a concept on the profession without proper research protocols, and I certainly wouldn't try to make money out of something that should be given to the entire profession. You -- like so many in chiropractic, are obsessed with personal profit rather than with what benefits the profession and the public we serve might receive.
EGO: You know it all began on a farm in the Middle West ...
Sure -- I know it's just another of my rambling fantasies but the seeds of truth are there. It's like a pendulum. On one end are the researchers who would have us sit around for 40 years, while they decide on the possible validity of something, while on the other end are the pompous technique peddlers. Let's stop the pendulum for a while so everyone can find out where we've been and where we're going.
RHT